Just Because You THINK You Don’t Smell, Doesn’t Mean You DON’T!

So it’s been a few weeks since my last entry. I’ve been caught up sending out press releases for my grandfather’s upcoming hearing. For those of you that have read my past blog entries, you’ve already heard about it. For those of you that haven’t, you can find information about his case here: http://www.jewoppy.blogspot.com/2013/06/an-open-letter-to-anyone-that-cares.html

            After all the heaviness of my grandfather’s crisis, I thought it was time to shift mental gears and write something to lighten my mood. Thus, on one of the hottest weeks I can ever remember (though New Yorkers have short term memories when it comes to heat), I felt it appropriate to take a moment to talk about something that really irritates me… the dreaded B.O. It’s been talked about on shows like Seinfeld, where a valet left such a foul odor in Jerry’s car, he shockingly remarked to Elaine, “Nobody has B.O. like this! When somebody has B.O., the O usually stays with the B. Once the B leaves, the O goes with it.” I know what you mean, Jerry. These days, the ODOR does not always leave with the BODY…

            It astounds me just how many people smell like yesterday’s trash. Do they not understand the necessity of showering every day in this kind of heat? I personally shower twice—once at the beginning of the day and once at the end. What’s better than starting and ending your day fresh and clean? I got on the subway the other day at 10:00 a.m. and a person subsequently entered who stunk to high heaven. I was flabbergasted as I pondered how this could’ve happened. After all, it was the beginning of the day… how does someone already reek?

            Besides showering, what about anti-perspirant? And no, I’m not talking about deodorant. I’m talking about the sweat-blocking (some say toxic) antiperspirant. All the naysayers who claim, “I don’t really sweat,” or  “It’s bad for my skin,” or “It has aluminum in it,” are the same people who then swear their deodorant controls the smell. Guess what folks? It doesn’t. I spent years with artistic hippie types who thought their deodorant was doing the job. It wasn’t working then, and it’s not working now. You can tell me until you’re blue in the face that the deodorant eliminates any unpleasant aromas. The bottom line is if you’re sweating, then you’re stinking! And by “sweating,” I don’t mean the moderate amount of secretions we all have due to the sweltering temperatures. I’m referring to Olympic size pools of sweat under your armpits, the resulting stench of which could clear out a room. Only antiperspirant can keep that kind of fluid and resulting odor at bay. If you want to stick to your hippie ways, fine. Wait until it cools off a bit and go back to your deodorant then.

            And perhaps some of the noxious fumes are emanating from people’s garments. Even in this DEFCON-1-blistering hellfire, I’ve heard countless people remark, “I’ve already worn this three times.” Newsflash: WASH YOUR CLOTHES! Ivory Snow has been around since 1879 and it works wonderfully in the sink at rinsing out your sweat-infused wardrobe. And while you’re scrubbing away, why don’t you ask yourself what would possess you to wear your bacteria-saturated apparel more than once in the first place.

           

            Finally, what about perfume/cologne/body spray? I know there are non-toxic and completely natural perfumes on the market if you are opposed to chemically processed perfumes such as Alfred Sung (what I wear). Or how about some good old-fashioned talcum powder? Options are available to help our bodies counteract the unpleasant fragrance that comes with perspiration overload.

I do realize we all have some degree of odor due to this hellish weather. I really do. But when everyone on the train looks at one another to figure out who’s the perpetrator of the malodorous condition scorching their nose hairs, that’s when you know there’s a problem needing to be addressed.

            And what about me? How do I know I am not one of the smelly people I’m complaining about? Well, that’s a good point. I challenge anyone out there… go ahead and take a whiff of yours truly. And if I do, well, STINK, feel free to tell me so. I am happy to increase my current showers to three per day or whatever it takes to avoid any trace of “odeur de le pew.” That’s for French for “smelly girl,” or close to it anyway…

Payment BEFORE Poutine? (and no, it’s not what you think)

  

It really isn’t. But I’ll get to that in a moment… Let me start off by saying I had a fabulous trip to Montreal last week. I rode a Bixi for the first time (rent-a-bikes that we are now starting to see here in NYC courtesy of Citibank), I saw Penguins sleeping at the Biodome (it’s currently winter in the Southern Hemisphere and they apparently need their snooze time), and finally mastered saying “Merci” with the proper accent.

And of course no trip into international territory would be complete unless I fell in love… Oui oui… one man in particular won my heart.  His name is Chico and I met him while picnicking in the park:

Don’t we look cute together? Chico’s family warmed up to me immediately and allowed us to spend the day together. And what fun we had playing catch and laying in the grass! Together, we learned a new game—pétanque. It’s similar to bocce ball and it involves throwing balls on a rectangular playing field and getting them as close to the designated target as possible. Make sense? Probably not, but what can you expect from an American who can barely explain the rules of baseball?

And then there was Pierre… ooo la la… those Frenchmen get me every time. He was the shy, quiet type who doesn’t get out much. I decided to take him for a much needed day/night on the town in Montreal. Can't you see the look of joy in his eyes at finally getting out of the house?

Hmmmm... perhaps I'm the one who's overjoyed, while Pierre just has dilated pupils. As for my friends, while they were initially reluctant to let Pierre tag along, they eventually accepted him as part of the group:

Pierre made the journey with us via my backback to see the Penguins at the aforementioned Biodome. He was so excited to meet his fine-feathered friends, but unfortunately, there were not as excited to see him:

He's totally passed out! Not one penguin even lifted a wing to wave hello to Pierre. Sacré bleu! To cheer him up, my friends and I took him out for some beer, foosball and pool. You can see my friend Sue conferring with him on a pool shot:

But back to the poutine… What the hell is poutine, some of you are asking? Well, it was my last night in Montreal and I also wanted to know the answer to that question. My friend Mark had been raving about it since his trip to Montreal and basically told me not to return to the states unless I tried it. At the core, poutine is French fries, gravy and cheese. This, in and of itself, sounds delightful and delectable to my taste buds. But wait a minute… you can then add an assortment of meats and veggies to your dish! The possibilities are endless. What normally was something you ate at 3:00 in the morning when you were drunk in a diner began to sound like a legitimate meal. I mean, if I add chicken and mushrooms to my poutine, I’ve essentially hit the four basic food groups: meat, vegetables, bread and dairy. Voila!

My friend Mark recommended La Banquise as the quintessential place to try poutine:

With me, were two people from Montreal, two others from France and one American like myself. The server greeted us, but then disappeared for fifteen minutes before she came back. After taking our order, she disappeared again but I barely noticed. I was thrilled to be so close to finally sampling this Canadian casserole I had heard so much about! What I did notice, however, was the sudden reappearance of the server, who unceremoniously dropped our bill on the table. At first, I thought it might be some kind of joke. After all, we hadn't even gotten our food. Not only that, the server hadn't done anything other than take our order. Did she really think we should pay the bill and tip her in advance of our meal? 

I wondered if this was common practice in Montreal, but everyone around me (including the Canadians) was as surprised as I was. A few minutes later, the server returned and stood at the table until we paid the bill. Seriously. She did not walk away until she had all her money, even though our food had still not arrived. I was utterly shocked. This wasn't take-out service. We were sitting down at a table to enjoy a meal. Where I come from, you do not pay for your food in advance unless you’re at a McDonald's or a Starbucks.

I am actually a server myself, and perhaps that is why I took my treatment to heart. It should be noted that La Banquise is open 24 hours a day/7 days a week and probably gets their share of unsavory characters in various states of sobriety. That said, my friends and I should not be punished for drunken customers who "dine and dash." I want to be treated with the same respect I would give anyone that sat at one of my tables in my restaurant. It comes down to caring about your guests and giving them a good experience, whether you’re at a diner or a Michelin star restaurant. 

If nothing else, La Banquise should print their payment policies on their menu and/or have the servers clearly communicate it to their tables so everyone knows up front what the deal is. While I enjoyed my poutine very much, the service definitely left a bad taste in my mouth. Thankfully, there’s always alcohol available to wash any unpleasantness away…

As I made my journey home the next morning, I emailed the restaurant to let them know about our experience and the inappropriateness of our server’s behavior. (I have yet to hear back from them and suspect I never will.) I crossed the border without any incident and as I listened to music, I glanced out the window. Next to me, was a truck driver who had the following sign taped to his window, “Show me your tits, girls.” I guess that was his way of saying, “Welcome to America.” It wasn't exactly the "Welcome home" I expected, but I guess that's why it's called "The land of the free." And I wouldn't want it any other way.

Why I would suck as a CIA Agent

            In keeping with my last post about my dreams of being a Southern Belle (and how it’s about as likely as an elephant walking a tightrope), I thought I should confess to another secret yearning—to be a CIA Operative.

            The spark of desire was recently ignited via my newfound addiction to “Covert Affairs,” starring Piper Perabo as Annie Walker. Just witnessing this equally wholesome and sexy woman in action inspired visions of me wrestling some villain while wearing four inch spike heels and a business suit. (Yes, Piper does this on every episode. I’m not even sure she owns a pair of sneakers or comfortable shoes.) But could I ever measure up to this feminine yet powerful goddess?

            Perhaps I should start by explaining what enthralls me about being part of this elite group of stealth individuals:

1) Ability to kick someone’s ass. I don’t know about you, but I contemplate punching someone in the face at least once a week. It is only society’s conventions regarding acceptable behavior (as well as the possibility of getting arrested) that stops me. No problem in the CIA, folks. You are allowed to hit people… and you get to do it in the name of serving your country. I am mesmerized every time Annie Walker simultaneously takes down multiple bad guys while using nothing other than her own body to do so. Brilliant. I have yet to see Annie fire a weapon. She doesn’t even carry a gun, though to be fair I’m only on season 2. Perhaps soon I’ll see her whip out a semi-automatic and blast the bad guys to kingdom come.

2) Travel to cool places. Within a few months of working for the CIA, Annie already traveled to Switzerland, Paris and London. Sign me up, please! I just renewed my passport and have plenty of room for stamps!  

3) Nifty gadgets: I love toys. And the CIA is apparently full of them. Annie has an encrypted phone, (not even sure what that is, but I think it means no one can track it. It sounds super awesome, doesn’t it?), listening devices (in one episode she stuck something in her ear and it picked up voices a mile away—also good for those moments in civilian life when you’re paranoid someone is bad mouthing you), thingamajigs that can steal information from computers in a matter of seconds... The high tech equipment the CIA has at its disposal is endless and I’d like to check it out firsthand.

4) Hot operatives. Annie has behind-the-scenes backup in the form of Auggie. Oh, Auggie… you hot, HOT man. He is the perfect combination of nerdy/brilliant/sexy that makes my body temperature soar. If there’s such a thing as a sixteen pack, Auggie’s got it.  He was blinded in Iraq and spends much of his time in front of his brail keyboard assisting Annie with her missions. However, every so often Auggie makes it into the field, and when he does, oh-say-can-you-see the fireworks between him and Annie! How I’d love to throw back a few beers with him (as Annie does at their local watering hole in D.C.) and celebrate some military coup we’d prevented earlier that afternoon.

So, the question remains whether or not I have what it takes to be a part of this clandestine crew. The answer is… N-O. And here’s why…

1) Ability to kick someone’s ass. Ironically, it turns out the number one reason I want to be CIA is also the number one reason I can’t be CIA. First off, there is no way in hell I’m running in those spike heels. I have horrible feet and if I’m going to be chasing after bad guys, I need to wear running sneakers (Sauconys preferably). And as for the “kicking ass,” I’m not even sure I know how to make a proper fist or land a punch. And you can forget about discharging a firearm. Although Annie has yet to carry a gun, I figure it’s only a matter a time before her battles go beyond hand-to-hand combat. No, thank you. The only thing you’ll see me fire is a water gun at a pool party.

2) Bad liar. Think I could go on covert missions while letting my family and friends believe I work for the Smithsonian like Annie? Think again. I am a horrible liar. Entire monologues revealing my intimate feelings are written across my face for the entire world to see. My facial expressions are about as obvious as a fat kid's glee if he were trapped in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. If that’s not enough, my Jewish mother can account for my moment-to-moment whereabouts better than I can. She’s probably watching me right now. (Maybe she should be in the CIA instead.)

3) Ability to withstand torture. Nope. Not me. If I saw them coming at me with pliers to remove my teeth, I would instantly cave. The identities of my fellow agents as well as whatever secrets I might be carrying would be revealed faster than I could say “Please don’t!” and America’s safety would be compromised. I love my country, but I need my teeth to eat and a Jewish/Italian girl needs to do the latter on a fairly regular basis.

4) Ability to speak multiple languages. Annie knows a multitude of languages and accents. I’ve heard her speak Russian, Spanish, Italian, German, Portugese and some Turkish. I can barely speak English! I did, however, study Spanish for seven years in school, but I’m still stuck on those old dialogues they used to teach you at the beginning of every chapter in your Spanish book:

“¿Esta Susana in casa? Si, esta con una amiga. ¿Donde esta, en la sala? No, esta en la cocina.”

Anyone out there remember the KLM Spanish book series? I figured as much. So between my so-so English and kindergarten Spanish, I’m not winning any awards for being a linguistics scholar.

            Of course all of my assumptions are based on watching Annie Walker—a fictional character, on a fictional TV show. Perhaps being in the CIA isn’t the heart-stopping-thrill-ride I imagine it to be. If so, please don’t burst my bubble. Let me fantasize about being Annie’s sidekick and dream of saving our country together wearing our Giorgio Armani blazers and Christian Louboutin heels…