In keeping
with my last post about my dreams of being a Southern Belle (and how it’s
about as likely as an elephant walking a tightrope), I thought I should confess
to another secret yearning—to be a CIA Operative.
The spark
of desire was recently ignited via my newfound addiction to “Covert Affairs,”
starring Piper Perabo as Annie Walker. Just witnessing this equally wholesome and sexy woman in action inspired visions of me wrestling some villain while wearing four inch
spike heels and a business suit. (Yes, Piper does this on every episode. I’m
not even sure she owns a pair of sneakers or comfortable shoes.) But could I
ever measure up to this feminine yet powerful goddess?
Perhaps I
should start by explaining what enthralls me about being part of this elite
group of stealth individuals:
1) Ability to kick
someone’s ass. I don’t know about you, but I contemplate punching someone
in the face at least once a week. It is only society’s conventions regarding
acceptable behavior (as well as the possibility of getting arrested) that stops
me. No problem in the CIA, folks. You are allowed
to hit people… and you get to do it in the name of serving your country. I am mesmerized
every time Annie Walker simultaneously takes
down multiple bad guys while using nothing other than her own body to do so.
Brilliant. I have yet to see Annie fire a weapon. She doesn’t even carry a gun,
though to be fair I’m only on season 2. Perhaps soon I’ll see her whip out a
semi-automatic and blast the bad guys to kingdom come.
2) Travel to cool
places. Within a few months of working for the CIA, Annie already traveled
to Switzerland, Paris and London. Sign me up, please! I just renewed my
passport and have plenty of room for stamps!
3) Nifty gadgets:
I love toys. And the CIA is apparently full of them. Annie has an encrypted
phone, (not even sure what that is, but I think it means no one can track it.
It sounds super awesome, doesn’t it?), listening devices (in one episode she
stuck something in her ear and it picked up voices a mile away—also good for
those moments in civilian life when you’re paranoid someone is bad mouthing
you), thingamajigs that can steal information from computers in a matter of
seconds... The high tech equipment the CIA has at its disposal is endless and I’d
like to check it out firsthand.
4) Hot operatives.
Annie has behind-the-scenes backup in the form of Auggie. Oh, Auggie… you hot,
HOT man. He is the perfect combination of nerdy/brilliant/sexy that makes my
body temperature soar. If there’s such a thing as a sixteen pack, Auggie’s got
it. He was blinded in Iraq and spends
much of his time in front of his brail keyboard assisting Annie with her
missions. However, every so often Auggie makes it into the field, and when he
does, oh-say-can-you-see the fireworks between him and Annie! How I’d love to
throw back a few beers with him (as Annie does at their local watering hole in
D.C.) and celebrate some military coup we’d prevented earlier that afternoon.
So, the question remains whether or not I have what it takes
to be a part of this clandestine crew. The answer is… N-O. And here’s why…
1) Ability to kick
someone’s ass. Ironically, it turns out the number one reason I want to be CIA is also the number one
reason I can’t be CIA. First off,
there is no way in hell I’m running in those spike heels. I have horrible feet
and if I’m going to be chasing after bad guys, I need to wear running sneakers
(Sauconys preferably). And as for the “kicking ass,” I’m not even sure I know
how to make a proper fist or land a punch. And you can forget about discharging
a firearm. Although Annie has yet to carry a gun, I figure it’s only a matter a
time before her battles go beyond hand-to-hand combat. No, thank you. The only
thing you’ll see me fire is a water gun at a pool party.
2) Bad liar. Think
I could go on covert missions while letting my family and friends believe I work for
the Smithsonian like Annie? Think again. I am a horrible liar. Entire
monologues revealing my intimate feelings are written across my face for the
entire world to see. My facial expressions are about as obvious as a fat kid's glee if he were trapped in Willy Wonka's Chocolate Factory. If that’s not
enough, my Jewish mother can account for my moment-to-moment whereabouts better
than I can. She’s probably watching me right now. (Maybe she should be in the
CIA instead.)
3) Ability to
withstand torture. Nope. Not me. If I saw them coming at me with pliers to
remove my teeth, I would instantly cave. The identities of my fellow agents as
well as whatever secrets I might be carrying would be revealed faster than I
could say “Please don’t!” and America’s safety would be compromised. I love my
country, but I need my teeth to eat and a Jewish/Italian girl needs to do the
latter on a fairly regular basis.
4) Ability to speak
multiple languages. Annie knows a multitude of languages and accents. I’ve
heard her speak Russian, Spanish, Italian, German, Portugese and some Turkish.
I can barely speak English! I did, however, study Spanish for seven years in
school, but I’m still stuck on those old dialogues they used to teach you at
the beginning of every chapter in your Spanish book:
“¿Esta Susana in casa? Si, esta
con una amiga. ¿Donde esta, en la sala? No, esta en la cocina.”
Anyone out there remember the KLM Spanish book series? I
figured as much. So between my so-so English and kindergarten Spanish, I’m not
winning any awards for being a linguistics scholar.
Of course
all of my assumptions are based on watching Annie Walker—a fictional character, on a fictional TV show. Perhaps being in the CIA isn’t the heart-stopping-thrill-ride I imagine
it to be. If so, please don’t burst my bubble. Let me fantasize about being
Annie’s sidekick and dream of saving our country together wearing our Giorgio
Armani blazers and Christian Louboutin heels…
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