That
first part was a nugget of wisdom imparted on me a few months ago by my lovely
coach, Ms. Tessa Faye. The “be happy” bit is my recent addendum and is honestly
much harder to do. I think I’m the quintessential “good sport”, cheering people
on for their successes i.e. “wins”. But am I always happy for them? No. Sometimes that ugly green monster inside
me—the one whose name is ENVY—wants to come out and stomp all over someone’s
triumphant moment. And it’s not because I don’t want said person to have their
moment of glory… it’s that I want MY moment of glory too. And my personal
moments of glory can feel like they are few and far between, even if that is my
imagination lying to me. (It often tells me tall tales.) And as the end of the
year is rapidly approaching, I thought it was a good time to look at this ugly
green monster and see if I can stomp all over IT once and for all!
Nothing
brings out the ugly green monster in me as much as a different but equally evil
green monster… MONEY. Somehow at work, I let both green monsters get the
better of me. I work as a server, and thus my money is at the mercy of many
factors that are beyond my control—how
many servers are on the floor, how
many reservations we have, how much
people are tipping me (or NOT). So within that, you’d think I would be zen
about the money I make or don’t make since so much of it is essentially in the
hands of the Gods. But I’m the opposite of zen. I’m constantly looking around
at my coworkers… jealous that someone has a better section than me OR that they
got a huge tip OR that they are flipping their tables faster than the speed of
light and doing twice as many covers as me. It goes on and on, and my jealous
heart creates scenarios where everyone is making double the amount of money
that I am. Most of the time, it’s not even true. But what if it IS? Shouldn’t
everyone have a great night? Am I so greedy that I can’t be happy for someone
else’s good fortune… literally? Sure, on the surface I congratulate the lucky
tip winner, but if I didn’t have an equally fortunate night, then my inner
voice is saying, “Why not me?”
Ah…
why NOT me? That is a question I have often asked myself when it comes to
matters of the heart, and by heart, I mean LOVE. Sometimes it feels like I am
perpetually single and destined to remain so. Again, my imagination loves to
create wild stories. (Good thing I’m a writer and have an outlet for these wild
stories!) I’ve had wonderful relationships with great guys, most of whom are
still my friends. But that’s just it. All of them have ended at some point. And
I get that part. But I keep wondering, when is the relationship that has no
expiration date going to happen? And thus my BFF Envy comes out again. I look
around at everyone who is matched up and think, “Why them?” It gets so bad that
when I have a customer who is not-so-nice but is wearing a wedding ring, I’ll
say to myself, “Someone married THAT person, but I’m alone?” It’s equally hard
to watch friends be “lucky in love” while I feel like I’m continually bowling
gutter ball after gutter ball in the romance department. However, please don’t
get out your tissues and shed sympathy tears for me. There is another part of
me that truly enjoys being alone and wonders if I can ever have someone around
me 24/7. When you’re super independent, being “matched up” is as scary as it is
enticing. I’d just love the chance to find out if it’s more the former or the
latter!
And
then there’s my career… boy does the green monster like to come out in full
force! With any career, you are in constant competition, both with yourself and
everyone around you. But when you’re an artist, it’s a bit different because
once again there are so many factors beyond your control—your height, your
physical type, your age range—and those factors can be perceived differently
depending on the casting person. Now, anyone that is in it for the long haul
gets these realities and accepts them. But it doesn’t make it any the less
frustrating. So when it seems like
everyone else (and not you) are the right type, it’s hard to say “Yay for you!”
And it can even be a guy who clearly isn’t the same type as you or in
competition for the same roles! Let’s face it, I’m never going to play Willy Loman in “Death
of a Salesman”. Still, that “yay” thing can be hard to say with one hundred percent
conviction when a part of me wants to have my piece of the winning pie too!
But
the reality is, wins come at different times for different people. And whether
someone is truly deserving of that win, is not my business or even the point.
Being a good sport with your words or your behavior is not good enough
anymore. I want to be a good sport in my HEART. I want to feel true joy and
happiness for other people’s prosperity—whether in love, career or work. And I
believe it’s what will open up space in my heart to win more in my own life. A
part of that comes with recognizing that ALL good people deserve to win. “The universe
always gives you what you need,” is something I often said to friends, but I
need to start saying it to myself. Consequently, if someone else is the winner
on a given day, there’s probably a good reason for it. If someone has a
financial windfall at work, maybe they needed that money to pay for some
critical item. When a fellow artist has a career achievement, perhaps he or she
was on the verge of giving up and needed that gig to keep him or her in the
game. A dear friend once told me that no one knows what goes on behind anyone’s
closed doors except for that person. He was talking about relationships
specifically, but it applies to all of these situations. Everyone wants to win.
This much we all know. What we don’t know is what’s going on behind someone
else’s closed doors and when that someone else might just need the win more
than you. So be happy for them and shout “Yay for you!” And really MEAN
it. Here’s to many wins for all of us good people in 2018. Merry Christmas, and
as my acting teacher, Matthew Corozine, says, “Have a holiday!”
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