Thursday, May 11, 2017

Someone May Be In The Kitchen With Dinah, But It Ain’t Dina!




            Remember that old song “I’ve Been Working on the Railroad”? We all sang it at summer camp as kids, and somewhere in the song the lyrics talk about Dinah being in the kitchen. She was probably cooking up something delicious… a delectable meal certain to make our mouths water. Then there’s me. I try to avoid the kitchen as often as possible, unless I’m making coffee or heating up soup. People talk about how cooking makes them feel relaxed and how therapeutic it is. Ummm…. what? If I could afford eating in restaurants and ordering 555-takeout every night, I would seriously consider it. My feelings have only intensified while witnessing a friend (who has been staying with me) cook for me.

            First off is the shopping. I can’t STAND shopping—whether it’s for food, clothes, toiletries… you name it. Shopping makes me feel like a mouse trapped in one of those mazes, who is desperately trying to get to the other end so he can eat his little piece of cheese as a reward. I am absolutely miserable as I push my shopping cart up and down the aisles trying to find what I need, comparing prices and ingredients, the latter of which I have trouble understanding because they sound too sciencey. Is acesulfame-K going to kill me? How should I know? I can't even pronounce it! And what about the long lines for the cashier? As I stand there waiting to pay, I seriously consider starting a food fight, and throwing everything in my cart at the other customers. There's also the problem of how fast the food runs out. My friend will inform me: "We've run out of everything." My response: "How is that POSSIBLE? We were just at the store the other day! How can it all be gone? You mean we have to go back to that horrible, HORRIBLE place AGAIN?" At least with take-out you know what you're getting. It's a self-contained meal that is enough to satisfy you for that day and perhaps the next day too if there are leftovers.

            Once I buy everything I need, it's time to PREPARE it. Prepare WHAT? I don't know how this stuff all goes together! My cooking skills extend to making scrambled eggs with some black pepper and cheese mixed in. When it comes to major meals, I am completely lost. As I watch my friend remove the groceries from the bags, I get anxious wondering what he's going to DO with all of it. How is he going to put it all together to make an edible meal? Truth is, I really don't want to know. I just want to eat the end product and enjoy it. Most cooks tell me they use their "gut" to figure out how to combine ingredients that go well together and it's all about experimenting with the food. What is this, a science project? (There goes that dreadful word science again). I'm an excellent baker BECAUSE I follow detailed instructions telling me exactly WHAT TO DO and precisely HOW MUCH to use of each ingredient. You ever ask a cook how they made something? Their answer: "Oh, a little bit of this, a little bit of that." What the HELL does that mean?? Cooking sounds more like witchcraft, where you just stand around a cauldron and throw random things from the refrigerator into it, cast a spell and hope it all turns out okay.

           The cleanup is perhaps the only thing I can tolerate in this whole process. I actually like to clean and I enjoy doing dishes. HOWEVER, it does not mean I want to spend forty-five minutes cleaning up afterwards. That is more time than it took me to consume my meal!And how is it that EVERY pot and pan has been used to create a meal that takes up only a tiny amount of space on my plate? The stove top looks like a bomb went off and the sink is so full that I can barely reach under the faucet to wash my hands. How does this all seem worth it?

Yes, naysayers... I know that cooking is a way to ensure exactly what I am eating and for health reasons, I should start to be more aware of what I am putting into my body. But when my next-door neighbor started telling me about her healthy stew made in a crockpot with hormone-free chicken, I felt that anxiety creep back in. Is hormone-free the same as organic, and is that the same as free-range? Why don't I know these things??? It seems so overwhelming and I start pondering if there’s a 555-HEALTHY-TAKEOUT option out there somewhere. However, as I continue to use Weight Watchers as a means to lose weight, some cooking is definitely in order. Am I ever going to be someone who opens my refrigerator with excitement, thrilled by the challenge of what items to use to create a delightful meal? (Ask yourself “Do donkeys fly” if you’re not sure of the answer.) I don’t think there are any gourmet meals prepared by yours truly in my future, but I DO think I can manage grilled salmon with asparagus or turkey burgers with a sweet potato!

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