Perception Is My Reality

            When my boss once said to me, “Perception is reality,” I got very upset. This was when I worked on Wall Street where perception is EVERYTHING, or so I thought at the time. But as I’ve gotten older, I’ve repeatedly seen examples in my life of how perception really IS everything almost EVERYWHERE you go. Or at the very least, it’s certainly significant. The question is, WHOSE perception do you want to make YOUR reality?

            Years ago, I worked on Wall Street as an administrator. That means you oversee a WHOLE LOT of people and their administrative needs. Translation: you are probably looking up the SAME phone number for the SAME slacker, excuse me I mean coworker, several times a day. I found this super annoying. There was a physical phone directory as well as an online version. Why couldn’t the person look it up himself? Was it some kind of learning disability? (Sorry but it still makes my blood boil a little when I look back on it.) Why was I being asked the SAME question over and over? End result: I was one helluva cranky lady!

My boss called me into his office, wanting to know why I was so upset by these types of incidences. After all, I was still getting paid the same money per hour to answer the SAME question over and over. I told him it was disrespectful and insulting, as if I wasn’t important enough to remember the information I had given out the first time around! He responded that people were finding me difficult to approach because they didn’t know what mood I was going to be in. I was horrified (even though inside I knew he was right). I told him that I didn’t mean to come across as unapproachable or moody… I was just frustrated. And that’s when he hit me with the perception-is-reality zinger. He said it didn’t matter what I MEANT to do or how I was feeling in my heart. All that mattered is how I came across to others and their subsequent perception of me.

It was like a light bulb had gone off in my head. I hadn’t really thought about the difference between how I’M feeling and what OTHERS are feeling about ME. Even if I “mean well”, it does not equate to being “received well”. This five-minute meeting in my boss’s office had been a game changer for me – even though he was completely unaware of it. I had often felt misunderstood by others, and this catch phrase helped guide me in future situations to assess my behavior and how others interpret it. However… and there is a however… the trick is to recognize that perceptions are specific to the person interpreting you. 

I was reminded of all of this recently, when a good friend was venting about people’s misperceptions about her. As we talked, I was reminded of another phrase, “Different strokes for different folks.” Everyone has their own set of likes… and dislikes. A beloved behavior to one person is like nails-on-a-blackboard to another. Despite my so-called moodiness on Wall Street, when I worked at Ruby Tuesday my crankiness was almost viewed as “charming” and “humorous”. My coworkers saw me as a “spitfire”, who took great pride and care in my job. That was THEIR perception. They didn’t find me unapproachable. In fact, it was quite the opposite.  It’s not to say I didn’t have moments of moodiness. It’s that this wonderful group of people saw it as something that made me who I was. And they loved me for it! Who knew a chain restaurant could be such a magical place where I felt accepted… warts and all.

But I don’t want to start touting another catch-phrase: “I am who I am”. To some degree, I think that expression is a blanket excuse people use when they’re too lazy to work on themselves. I am all for self-improvement (and I have the therapy, life coaching and self-help book expenditures to prove it). You just have to decide for yourself what are the things YOU want to IMPROVE. Perceptions are reality—make no mistake about that. Just bear in mind that perceptions are relative, and relative to a person’s own reality. So they must always be taken with a grain of salt.

And it’s also important to recognize that perceptions CAN and DO change. Some of my best friends weren’t sure how to take me when they first met me. Being the larger-than-life person I am often described to be, I get it, even though it can sting. Over time, however, the people that are meant to be in my life have learned to see my overzealous energy as a good thing and something they desire in their lives. Their perception became a different reality.

Lesson to be learned? For me, I think it’s to continue balancing accepting myself with taking other people’s perspectives into consideration. (Let’s just say the seesaw topples over in one direction or the other quite a bit!) I think there is great value in looking at other people’s perceptions. But ultimately, it’s up to you to decide whose perceptions jive with your own and align yourself with THOSE people!