Time. It’s a double-edged sword. We
cry when we don’t have it; we scream that we want more of it; but then when we
finally get it, we curl up in a fetal position moaning that we don’t know what
to do with it… Or maybe that’s just me.
You see, I’ve spent the better part
of my life working multiple jobs. I didn’t even notice I was doing it at first.
I graduated college and became a full-time accountant while still working
part-time at the Limited. Want me to teach you how to fold a sweater using a
clipboard? I’d be happy to! Wanna know what big slobs women are in the dressing
room? Just ask me. Over the years, I’ve often juggled multiple jobs while
pursuing a career as an actress and more recently, a writer. I would tell
myself that this is just what people do when they’re “artists”; you work to
support your craft. What I didn’t realize is that pulling myself in so many
directions with so many different jobs was actually counter productive to being
an artist. I was never truly in the moment… I was too busy trying to keep track
of which job I was going to next, while making sure I didn’t screw anything up
in the process.
Time management has always been an
issue for me. I struggle with how much (or how little) time to spend on
something and then berate myself afterwards for whatever choice I made. I’ve
never been good at picking and choosing… often it has to be dictated to me in
the form of a deadline imposed by someone else. I sometimes wander around my
apartment aimlessly, trying to figure out which project I should work on next.
And what about those projects? How many balls can I juggle in the air at the
same time before one drops? (Side note: I was in the musical “Barnum” in my teens
and I never managed to juggle more than three balls simultaneously if that’s
any indication.)
My juggling skills proved to be
effective enough to write four plays and perform in numerous shows over the
years. But looking back, it was usually at the expense of my sanity. One of my
plays was in the NY International Fringe Festival in the summer of 2015. It was truly a
career highlight and I am grateful every day to have been a part of it.
However, much of the experience was a big fat blur because I didn’t take the time to stop and catch my breath.
So here I am… it’s the beginning of
2017. (Small and quiet “woo hoo”.) I
quit one of my jobs at the end of 2016. (BIG
and LOUD “woo hoo”!) I’ve saved up enough money to work part-time for the
near future. (Another BIG and LOUD “woo
hoo”!) At year’s end, I kept telling people we need to create space in our
lives for new things to come into it. Doesn’t that sound so smart and new agey?
Well now that I’ve created that space I find myself thinking, “Okay smart-ass, now what?” Seriously, what do I do with
this newfound time I have on my hands? I almost want to hide, convinced someone
is going to find me and ask me to DO something: “Dina, now that you have more
time, can you please do xxx?” I reply: “No! Leave me alone! Get away from me!”
And I’m instantly curled up in that fetal position again. But secretly I think
it’s myself I’m hiding from… I’m afraid my inner artist is going to ask me to
do too many things at once and my head will explode. Or I won’t be able to decide which project to
tackle first and I’ll shut down and end up doing nothing. My brain thinks a lot
of crazy things these days.
However, I will not let my fears
consume me. Yes, I’m scared, but isn’t the definition of courage acting in spite of fear? So that’s what I’m going
to do. I’m going to take action. I’m
coming up with a game plan and I even have a career coach to guide
me. (Tessa Faye is a goddess FYI!) If I’m going to be successful, I must find a
way to juggle more carefully. And sometimes that might mean throwing only one
ball in the air and being okay with that. It means saying no to projects that
don’t resonate with me. It means accepting that priorities are ever changing
and what’s critical one minute, might be moved to the bottom of the list
the next. It means trusting myself that I CAN do it, and if I can’t, there’s
probably a good reason and I don’t have to beat up on myself. Things always
have a way of getting done in my world, even if the timetable shifts along the
way.
I think about all the things I
didn’t allow myself to do because I told myself I either didn’t have the time
or that I shouldn’t spend the time. What a jerk I was! Heck, this blog has been
dormant since the end of 2013 because I felt it took too much time away from
other things. (Note: this blog entry took me less than two hours to write. Is
that really a lot of time in the course of someone’s life? I personally don’t
think so!)
Time need not be my enemy. As long
as I’m breathing, there’s always more time. Whoa – admitting “there’s always
more time” was really hard to say, but it needed to be said. And I need to
embrace that sentiment in my life on a daily basis. Another thing I need to do…
STOP. And as my friend Drew says, “Take the time to stop and smell the flowers.”
FYI, Drew, I think it’s “Take the time to stop and smell the roses,” but I love
you for the sentiment and I couldn’t agree more!
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