Sunday, June 9, 2013

I Dreamed a Dream… and Woke Up a Southern Belle



            Well, I didn’t exactly wake up a Southern Belle, but I certainly wanted to be one.  I admit it… I get a tingly feeling when I think about the South. Maybe it’s because I started reading Tennessee Williams plays when I was eleven years old, or obsessively watched the film adaptations. Is there anything hotter than Marlon Brando in his guinea tee bellowing, “Stella! Stella!” at the top of his lungs in the street? What about Paul Newman’s portrayal of the tormented “Brick” in “Cat on a Hot Tin Roof?” Yummy.

And of course there’s “Gone With The Wind.” I wanted Tara to be my home… I wanted to swish around in those hoop skirts. How I wished I could make a beautiful green dress out of the curtains hanging in my windows like Scarlett O’Hara. Oh, to proclaim in a southern lilt, “As God is my witness, I’ll never be hungry again!” But with my luck, I’d end up looking more like Carol Burnett in her parody, “Went With The Wind,” where she came sweeping down the spiraling staircase wearing a green curtain with the pole still attached to it. 

Let’s face it—a Jewish, Italian (with some Puerto Rican thrown in) girl whose parents both hail from the Bronx doesn’t spell “Southern Belle.” I’m a true “Northerner” as my aunt’s Floridian (not the South I’m referring to by the way) boyfriend likes to call me. However, my folks did come from the South Bronx so perhaps I still have a chance? Nah, didn’t think so.

And having acquired numerous Southern friends over the years has only intensified my desire to be one of their "clan." There are certain things that are common to all of these women:
  1. Impeccable manners - These gals know exactly how to hold their napkins and dab their lips just so after they take a bite of food. The "Sirs" and "Ma'ams" flow from their mouths like a gentle stream. I always try to be polite and hold my knife and fork properly, but somehow I feel goofy and clumsy instead. The whole using your knife to gently sweep food onto your fork seems more difficult than taking the SAT's was for me.
  2. Always looks presentable - Southern ladies have perfect make-up and would never dream of leaving the house with a slovenly appearance. Then there's me, on the other hand, who regularly strolls down the street in my sweats with no make-up, looking like a vagabond.
  3. Never talks about the restroom - I'm not sure I've ever seen these women use the bathroom other than to check themselves in the mirror (see item #2). They probably wait until no one is looking and sneak into the stall while flushing continuously so no one will hear them "tinkle." (I think that's how they say "pee" in the South).
  4. Beautiful accents - There's something about a Southern lilt that sounds like music to my ears. Seriously. "Y'all," "Darlin'," "Fixin'"... yes, please! And everything they say is drawn out and a word like "Hey" becomes five syllables long: "Heeeee-yyyyyy!" New Yorkers are the opposite. We are always on the go (to where, I have no idea) and we want to grunt everything out as quickly as possible, sometimes combining several words into one: "Whaddya" or "Fuhgeddaboutit."
  5. Makes an insult sound like a compliment - This is probably my favorite one of all. Here's the trick... they tack a "bless your heart" onto the end of a sentence and it somehow lulls you into thinking they're saying something supportive instead of telling you that you're... well, fat. e.g. "Those pants are nice and snug on you, bless your heart." See what I mean? You end up thinking you look sexy in your tight jeans with your muffin top instead of like "ten pounds of shit in a five pound bag." And then, when they want to say something really insulting, they combine the "bless your heart" with a question. "You sure do date a lot of men, don't you, bless your heart?" (That's subtext for "You're a cheap whore who sleeps with everyone you meet.") When I try to make an insult sound like a compliment, it just sounds like... well, an insult. "Oh no, those pants don't look bad on you at all. You just need to get a bigger size." Yup, the foot goes right in the mouth every single time.

            Hmmmm…. I just know if I was a member of this select club of elegant ladies, I too would feel classy… more graceful and stylish. I want to sit on a swing on my veranda and drink sweet tea… I want a subscription to “Southern Living” magazine where I learn about the best spring flowers to plant in my garden… I want to learn how to make banana pudding and hush puppies… Oh to be a dainty, Southern Belle! In reality, it’s probably never going to happen, but one can always dream… and in dreams, anything is possible…






No comments:

Post a Comment