Anyone that
knows me is aware of my loathing for what I deem as “Hallmark Holidays.” You
know, the days that exist solely to exploit the consumer and make Hallmark
millions of dollars in the process—Boss’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, Secretary’s
Day (and I was once a secretary so no knock on my fellow administrators)… you
get my point. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day are no exceptions to the hatred I
feel every time I purchase that dreaded card. I simply resent setting a day
aside to honor and appreciate people we should treat with regard on a DAILY
basis!
However, as
much as I protest these moneymaking schemes, I absolutely adore my mother. So
in honor of the upcoming Mother’s Day madness, I want to pay tribute to a truly
amazing woman—Joan Laura aka “mom.” Without further ado, here is the Top Ten List of Why My Mom Rocks My Universe:
10) Bargain hunter
– I don’t know if it’s a Jewish thing, a New Yorker thing or just a “Joan
Laura” thing, but my mom can smell a sale from 100 miles away. No kidding. And
boy does she know how to clip coupons. She even has a mini accordion file where
she stores them by category. Many a time, my mom will point at something she's wearing and say, "See this? It was originally $300. You wanna know what I paid for it? $5." And I am not exaggerating. REALLY. Not shockingly, she has passed this desire for the
“best deal” onto me. Pay full price for something? I don’t think so. Mom taught
me about price adjustments (bringing clothes back with the tags still on if the
price goes down), final sale racks (always hidden in the back of the store) and
never shopping in an outlet. As she
says (imagine the Bronx accent), “What do I need an outlet for when I can get
the same price at a department store during a good sale?”
9) Wanted to turn our
oven into a planter – Yup, it’s true. She hated cooking so much, she wanted
to get rid of the oven and replace it with various flora. (I think she actually
knew someone who had done this.) Don’t worry—we still had a toaster oven and a
microwave so the family wouldn’t have starved. To this day, she never uses the
oven except to cook the turkey on Thanksgiving. Why did this make my list, you
ask? Well, I think it takes big brass you-know-what's to admit, as a mother, you
abhor cooking to the point you’ve actually contemplated pulling your oven out
of the wall! Of course it never happened, but one can always dream. Maybe
that’s why I’m the (555) TAKE-OUT queen. Clearly I have the same
oven-destruction fantasies as my mom!
8) Follows me around
with a vacuum – Neat freak, anyone? My mom is obsessed with cleaning. She
used to vacuum and dust the house at 6:00 a.m. everyday before she went to work.
(Now that she’s retired, she waits until at least 8:00 a.m.) At one point, we
had a chow chow and mom would even follow him
around with the vacuum cleaner. You’d never know we had a dog in the house—not
a trace of hair anywhere! My friends used to say my house was so clean, you
could eat off the floors. And now she’s got me equally manic. I get an almost
perverse thrill when I buy cleaning products. My latest excitement came when I
purchased that blue to white stuff—the thing that you spray on blue and it
turns white when it’s clean. Geez, if I had turned my head for a split second,
I would’ve never seen the blue!
7) Tells me when I’m
great (and when I’m NOT) – My mom is the epitome of honesty. This isn’t a
mom who’s going to sugar coat anything, including whether I should or should not lose weight. (By the way, she thinks
I should). But in all honesty—I am
her daughter, after all, so I’m honest too—I wouldn’t want it any other way. I’ll
never forget the time I was in a play I had written and I knew something was
off with my performance. Enter my mom, right on cue, into the dressing room during
intermission to inform me, “I don’t know who you’re playing, but it’s not the
character.” Ouch. The truth can certainly sting sometimes, but it comes from
such a loving place that it makes it easier to bear. And when the compliments
come—and they do—they are so genuine it gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling every
time.
6) Rodeo cowgirl
behind the wheel – Whoever penned the phrase, “Put the pedal to the metal,”
must’ve been talking about my mom. She can maneuver through traffic like
something out of an action film sequence. My aunt’s boyfriend is from Florida
and I’ll never forget the time he came to visit us “Northerners.” There he was,
in the front seat with my mom, holding the “oh shit” handle as if his life
depended on it. (Truth be told.. it kind of did.) He was as white as a ghost (hard
to be when you’re from South Florida) and frantically kept chanting, “Go
faster, Joanie! Go faster, Joanie!” I think that was his petrified attempt at
irony. What he was really thinking
was, “Please don’t kill me, Joanie! Please don’t kill me, Joanie!” But hey, her
aggressive driving skills can come in handy. If you want someone who’s willing to
turn around on a highway, use the shoulder of the road as her own personal lane
or get right up on someone’s bumper until they change lanes, then my mom’s your
gal! (Okay she’s really not that bad…
but pretty close!)
5) Always interested
in learning new things – My mom was a teacher so I guess this one is no
surprise. However, my mom has a natural curiosity about anything and everything
that goes beyond her educational background—it’s in her DNA. She reads at least
three books a week as well as several newspapers and various health magazines/newsletters. She also listens to NPR every night. Our town librarian said there is no one that takes out as many books as my mom. Heck, she’s even learning to use an iBook
and just bought a wireless mouse—not bad for a 73 year old lady! Her hunger for
knowledge and personal growth is simply astounding, and a true inspiration to
me.
4) More active than
the energizer bunny – No rechargeable batteries needed here. My mom has
been known to run through supermarkets while wearing four-inch heels. (Sometimes
you gotta run through the aisles to get the buy one, get one free
deals—remember the bargain hunter thing?) She also walks on the treadmill every
day for an hour and a half. I can’t even keep up with her when she’s walking.
She trucks down the block like she has somewhere she has to be—I have no idea where the hell it is—but I’m sprinting
like a madwoman to keep up with her! Every time I call her, she’s on her way to
do something or meet someone or volunteer at the hospital. She’s full of pep!
3) Makes “Little Mary
Sunshine” seem depressed – Don’t know if there really is a Little Mary Sunshine, but we’ve all heard of her. (Apparently
it was the title of a musical in 1959.) Anyway, my mom could give Mary a run
for her money. My mom wakes up on the “right side of the bed” every single day. I’ve never seen her in
a bad mood—something I definitely did not inherit from her. My father passed
away in October and despite how difficult it is, she always has a smile on her
face and finds the good in every situation. A few years ago, we were sitting at
breakfast and talking about happiness and what it means. She sort of looked
down, embarrassed, and then sheepishly said, “I’m just happy. If I didn’t have
money problems, nothing would bother me. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.”
How crazy is it that she actually thought being happy was something to be ashamed
of? She regularly tells me that she wants to live forever—as long as she has a
book to read! She is a testament to anyone who’s ever wondered whether life is worth
enduring all the trials and tribulations each of us has to face. She proves to
me it certainly is. It brings tears
to my eyes when I think about how incredibly courageous and optimistic a woman
she is.
2) Mothers everyone
around her, including me – She’s a Jewish mother for goodness sakes—would
you expect anything else? She may call me ten times a day, but if I don’t feel
like talking, she understands when I don’t answer the phone OR if I do pick up and tell her I’ll call her
back later, she understands that too. She’s chill like that. But it’s not a
two-way street. No, my mom will ALWAYS talk to me… even if it’s at 1:00 in the
morning (and believe me, I’ve called her that late when I’m about to have a
meltdown). My mom will listen to my career ups and downs, my love life issues
(or lack thereof), or my ramblings about the meaning of life. She is the best
listener and always has a way of talking me down off the metaphorical ledge.
And her nurturing skills are not just reserved for me. My mom will nurture
anyone… my friends, their friends,
strangers she meets on the checkout line… it doesn’t matter. She has a heart
bigger than the U.S. of A. and for all of you out there who want some mothering
in your lives, I’m willing to share her with you… free of charge. Aren’t you lucky?
And the #1 reason my
mom rocks my universe:
1) Loves me unconditionally
and more than anyone in the world!
Happy Mother’s Day to all you moms out there!!! And to all
of us children… maybe we should make our own
cards this year and let Hallmark survive without us…
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