Growing up, we all moan and
groan when our parents give us advice. We complain to our friends, “My parents
don’t know what they’re talking about. They just don’t get it.” We collectively
roll our eyes, criticizing their lack of understanding of the current times and
how things are different from when they grew up. We all went through this
phase… admit it. You did too! One thing my dad would say when I would argue
with him is, “You know, Dina,” (he loved using my name to make a point) “The
older I get, the smarter my father becomes.” At the time, it infuriated me. I
felt like he was misunderstanding where I was coming from. I mean, I really DID
believe that my parents just didn’t get it. It had nothing to do with how smart
they were! But now, as an adult in a… ahem… certain phase of her life, I
realize what a nugget of brilliance my dad’s statement was. My dad was and IS a
genius. I just didn’t realize it at the time.
As an
artist, we all go through the ups and downs of trying to further our careers
and continually stay creative. Whenever I would whine about how hard I work and
how I wished I could get a break, my dad would simply say, “Dina, it’s nice to
be talented, but I’d rather be lucky.” Internally, daggers were shooting from my eyes as I externally sighed, but even then a part of me knew he was right. Talent is just a prerequisite.
It’s expected. But that little bit extra that pushes you to the next level of
success… well, at this point in my life, I fully believe the “extra” comes from
the universe smiling on you and deciding that it is, in fact, YOUR time. In
other words, a little bit of luck goes a long way, my friends! That, and a
whole lot of faith. (Thank goodness, I have an abundance of the latter.)
My dad
pretty much kept out of my love life—he left that to my mom to complain about:
“He’s not right for you”, “He doesn’t treat you the way you deserve to be
treated”, “You’re too good for him”… blah blah blah. But he would occasionally
comment on my friends’ love lives,
and through that, I extrapolated truths that I now hold dear. Once, while
driving in the car, he commented on my friend whose husband didn’t seem to make
her enough of a priority. He said that a man must make you the most important
thing in his world. Kids, if you have them, grow up and leave the house, but
your spouse stays with you, and as such, you must always cultivate that
relationship so it continues to grow. And my past self has had a history of
falling in love with unavailable men – whether it was literally (attached
to other relationships) or figuratively (emotional retards). It’s taken me a
loooooong time to recognize I cannot pause my life, waiting for an unavailable
man to become “available”. Instead of
pausing, I must RUN LIKE HELL in the other direction! I deserve
a man who wants to invest the time in cultivating a relationship with me!
(Thank you, Dad.)
My dad frequently
said I did too much for others, often at the expense of my own happiness. I
still hear his voice, “Dina, you are the world’s crusader, out to save
everyone!” He felt I could be a sucker, putting effort into people that were
taking advantage of me. Or even if my efforts were appreciated, they were over the top and not necessary. A part
of my overzealous helpfulness was that it made me feel good about myself. I
acknowledge that selfish component, and perhaps it’s not even a bad thing. But
now I know that I want to help people for the RIGHT reasons and know my
limitations. If you want to save the world, great! My dad was a teacher in the
South Bronx and wanted to help all his students have better lives. (So Dad, my
desire to help is kind of your fault.) Just make sure before you try to help,
i.e. “save” someone, you know whom you are saving and if they are worth the
effort!
My dad
loved to point out that friends come and go, but family is forever. Boy, does
that do mixed things to me! I mean,
there are friends who transcend friendship and they ARE family. I am so
grateful to have some amazing friends in my life who fit into that category. But I don’t think that’s what he meant. He was simply trying to say that
friends can drift in and out of your life at any time. It happens as people go
in different directions, and it doesn’t make those friendships any less
valuable for the time you had them. But your parents, on the other hand, will ALWAYS
be your parents—for better or worse! And I do think in my younger years, I
didn’t always appreciate how much my parents did for me. My parents once drove
into the city at a moment’s notice to take me home and nurse me back to health
when the MTA strike of 2005 caused me to get a severe case of bronchitis (standing outside in sub zero temperatures waiting for a shuttle van to take you to Wall Street will do that to you). Yes,
Jewish/Italian parents are super nurturing (others would say overbearing) but the memory makes me smile. That’s love and it truly is eternal.
It’s
interesting how stage in life directly impacts how we think and feel, even
though we deny it every step along the way: “Oh, I’m never going to be like
that” or “I’m never gonna feel that way”. Trust me, you will, in both cases.
And it’s actually not so bad. Hindsight can be beautiful, and I love looking
back and trying to figure out how I got from there to… well, HERE. These days, I
often find myself talking to someone and realizing I am literally quoting my father’s words. For a brief moment, I get
annoyed and think, “Damn, he was right.” But it only takes a split second before my thought changes, and instead I think, “Thank you, Dad... You were RIGHT.”
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