And in my case, you
buy TWO. One for each room of your apartment. Seriously, what is up, you
bitchers and moaners who complain about the heat incessantly but then tell me
you don’t have an AC? What is WRONG with you? I guess some people enjoy
torturing themselves. (There are stores to indulge those kinds of fantasies,
you know.) As for me, I prefer comfort, and adore sitting at my desk while a cool
breeze blows across my face and keeps my brain (and body) from overheating.
Whether or not you
have an AC, there’s something about the hot weather that makes all of us a bit
testier. Perhaps some of it is due to the sights and smells the heat brings
out. Remember urine? How could you forget? I do. The arctic winter months lull
me into a stupor, during which time I practically lose all my senses. Try
walking dogs in below zero weather. You can’t smell their pee or poo, and your
fingers are so numb you can barely open the poop bag to scoop it up! But then
the first 80 degree day comes along and the rank odor of urine smacks you in
the face as you descend the subway steps. And let’s not forget about the multitude
of body odors. Newsflash… deodorant doesn’t eliminate your putrid smell on a hundred
degree day! Stop what you’re doing, and head IMMEDIATELY to the nearest
Walgreens and pick up some antiperspirant. (And for the record, I’m not
interested in your antiperspirant-cancer-causing-rants. I’d rather have my arm
fall off from said disease than make everyone on the train vomit from my
noxious B.O.) Oh and while you’re at the Walgreens, grab some body spray too. And
what about the sights? I’m a firm believer in “letting it all hang out”, but
I’m speaking metaphorically. Some people need to invest in a full-length mirror.
And make sure you look into it. I don’t care HOW hot it is outside or HOW
firmly you believe less is more. It isn’t. Trust me, you don’t wanna see my
muffin top anymore than I wanna see yours. (At least I do my best to cover mine
up.)
So strong is my
opposition to the heat that when people invite me to their homes during the
summer months, the first thing I ask is whether or not they have an air
conditioner. If the answer is no, my immediate response is, “See you in
October!” Such friends claim they don’t need an air conditioner because it only
gets REALLY hot for a few days each summer and they just use a fan. Excuse me,
but do we live in the same city? New York City can be like a SAUNA for much of
August, and I’m sorry, but a fan that blows all the hot air circulating in my
room onto my face is just gross.
With all that said, I
do recognize that people have different tolerances and what’s unbearably hot
for some (i.e. ME), is perfectly delightful for others. And in my acting
teacher’s case, the AC is NEVER cold enough. Heck, he even throws it on in the
winter, while his students sit shivering under their winter jackets, hoping
they don’t die of frostbite. Then there’s my best friend from childhood, on the
other hand, who adores the heat and says it’s good for her skin. I prefer a
non-dewy look to my face, but hey, different strokes right? I think it comes
down to balance and recognizing there’s a happy medium between living at The
North Pole versus the Equator. You have to figure out what works for you.
The main thing I want
to point out is that we have a choice. Stop whining about your hot bedroom and
how you can’t sleep. Don’t tell me about the ice cubes you chew on and the cold
compresses you put on your face at night to keep your body cool. Don’t claim
the cold shower you take before bedtime makes you sleep like a baby. I don’t
believe those fairytales any more than you do. The answer is simple, my
friends, and it’s MODERN TECHNOLOGY! Buy an air conditioner! They’re super
cheap and most are energy saver friendly so they don’t double your Con Ed bill.
There is NO reason to suffer, but if you choose to do so, PLEASE do it in
silence. Or come by my place, where it will always be cool as a cucumber!!
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