Thursday, June 15, 2017

If you can’t stand the heat, forget about the kitchen. Buy a freaking AC!

            And in my case, you buy TWO. One for each room of your apartment. Seriously, what is up, you bitchers and moaners who complain about the heat incessantly but then tell me you don’t have an AC? What is WRONG with you? I guess some people enjoy torturing themselves. (There are stores to indulge those kinds of fantasies, you know.) As for me, I prefer comfort, and adore sitting at my desk while a cool breeze blows across my face and keeps my brain (and body) from overheating.

            Whether or not you have an AC, there’s something about the hot weather that makes all of us a bit testier. Perhaps some of it is due to the sights and smells the heat brings out. Remember urine? How could you forget? I do. The arctic winter months lull me into a stupor, during which time I practically lose all my senses. Try walking dogs in below zero weather. You can’t smell their pee or poo, and your fingers are so numb you can barely open the poop bag to scoop it up! But then the first 80 degree day comes along and the rank odor of urine smacks you in the face as you descend the subway steps. And let’s not forget about the multitude of body odors. Newsflash… deodorant  doesn’t eliminate your putrid smell on a hundred degree day! Stop what you’re doing, and head IMMEDIATELY to the nearest Walgreens and pick up some antiperspirant. (And for the record, I’m not interested in your antiperspirant-cancer-causing-rants. I’d rather have my arm fall off from said disease than make everyone on the train vomit from my noxious B.O.) Oh and while you’re at the Walgreens, grab some body spray too. And what about the sights? I’m a firm believer in “letting it all hang out”, but I’m speaking metaphorically. Some people need to invest in a full-length mirror. And make sure you look into it. I don’t care HOW hot it is outside or HOW firmly you believe less is more. It isn’t. Trust me, you don’t wanna see my muffin top anymore than I wanna see yours. (At least I do my best to cover mine up.)

            So strong is my opposition to the heat that when people invite me to their homes during the summer months, the first thing I ask is whether or not they have an air conditioner. If the answer is no, my immediate response is, “See you in October!” Such friends claim they don’t need an air conditioner because it only gets REALLY hot for a few days each summer and they just use a fan. Excuse me, but do we live in the same city? New York City can be like a SAUNA for much of August, and I’m sorry, but a fan that blows all the hot air circulating in my room onto my face is just gross.

            With all that said, I do recognize that people have different tolerances and what’s unbearably hot for some (i.e. ME), is perfectly delightful for others. And in my acting teacher’s case, the AC is NEVER cold enough. Heck, he even throws it on in the winter, while his students sit shivering under their winter jackets, hoping they don’t die of frostbite. Then there’s my best friend from childhood, on the other hand, who adores the heat and says it’s good for her skin. I prefer a non-dewy look to my face, but hey, different strokes right? I think it comes down to balance and recognizing there’s a happy medium between living at The North Pole versus the Equator. You have to figure out what works for you.

            The main thing I want to point out is that we have a choice. Stop whining about your hot bedroom and how you can’t sleep. Don’t tell me about the ice cubes you chew on and the cold compresses you put on your face at night to keep your body cool. Don’t claim the cold shower you take before bedtime makes you sleep like a baby. I don’t believe those fairytales any more than you do. The answer is simple, my friends, and it’s MODERN TECHNOLOGY! Buy an air conditioner! They’re super cheap and most are energy saver friendly so they don’t double your Con Ed bill. There is NO reason to suffer, but if you choose to do so, PLEASE do it in silence. Or come by my place, where it will always be cool as a cucumber!!

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