Thursday, February 16, 2017

In My Next Life, I Want To Come Back As The “Bones” Lady

            I’m speaking of Temperance Brennan, in case any of you are wondering. Don’t know who that is? Well for the last eleven plus years, Temperance Brennan aka “Bones” has been the protagonist on the TV series of the same name.  She has a super cool job as a forensic anthropologist. Truth be told, I don’t fully understand what that is, but I know she examines bones and helps the FBI solve murders. Doesn’t that sound like something you would wanna do? Or is it just me?

            Now that the 12th and final season of “Bones” is in full swing, I decided I HAD to watch every single episode and get caught up before the series finale airs this spring. Sounds easy, right? WRONG. There are over TWO HUNDRED AND FORTY episodes of “Bones” to date (yes I said 240) and I am only on season 7 now. (Spoiler alert: I just found out Bones and her “partner” Booth finally got their timing straight and are having a baby. Woohoo!) Only a hundred PLUS more episodes to go… whoa. That’s a lot.

            But what I have discovered on my “Bones”-watching-frenzy is how much I love the title character. And how much I wish I could be more like her. For starters, she is smart as hell. I’m smart, but this woman is beyond anything I could ever hope to be. Half the time she doesn’t even sound like she’s talking English. Note this nugget of spontaneous brilliance when Bones appeared as an expert witness during season 1: “And the placement of wrist restraints coupled with her hyperparathyroidism would account for the stress fractures on the distal anterior surface of both the radii and the ulni.” Huh? Hyperparathyroidism? Radii? Ulni? All I know is that it has something to do with being tied up. Other than that, dunno. Bones’ words just sail right over my head. And I kind of love her for that. (Feel free to read my blog entitled “It’s Science… You’re Not Supposed to Understand It” for further clarification of my lack of science knowledge.)

            But besides being super smart, Bones can kick some major ass too. She is a very skilled fighter to the point where I wouldn’t want to run into her in a dark alley if she was pissed off at me. At least once an episode she decks a guy. And she can fire a gun to boot. Don’t cross her. She’ll take you down, even while six months pregnant. Or perhaps she’ll just shout: “Stop, or I’ll kick you in the testicles!” at the top of her lungs. (She actually said that in the season 3 episode “Death in the Saddle”.)

            Did I mention she’s also a best-selling author too? When she’s not solving murders or cataloging thousand-year-old bones from some unknown civilization, Bones also writes murder mysteries. These books apparently sell so well that she never has to work again. She works her job at the Jeffersonian Institute (think the Smithsonian in the real world) for the sheer love of the work. Wouldn’t that be nice? To work for the pure love of it instead of the money? Sign me up! (Side note: I wouldn’t mind being a best-selling author either).

            And if all these wonderful qualities weren’t reason enough to want to be reincarnated as Bones, what about Booth? Oh… Booth. You sexy, sexy man, you. He is the perfect counterpart to Bones. Like me, he may not understand all the science mumbo jumbo, but he DOES understand who Bones is to the core and their banter is just priceless:

BONES: Why would a gang leader cooperate?
BOOTH: I'm gonna ask him really, really nicely, Bones.
BONES: You know that book I'm reading about getting along with your co-workers? It says that sarcasm is never helpful. I can lend it to you if you want.

Throughout the series, Booth has kept Bones on her toes. He has also taught Bones to use her heart, as well as her mind, in solving cases. And not coincidentally, she has become a much nicer person along the way thanks to her partner-in-(solving)-crime.

            Finally, Bones has the best coworkers a gal could ever ask for! How could you not want to go to work if you got to listen to people like Booth and Angela (Bones’ best friend) exchange these bits of dialogue:

BOOTH:    God doesn’t make mistakes.
ANGELA:  Mmmm, I don’t know. Putting testicles on the outside didn’t seem like such great idea.

Wow, I just talked about balls twice didn’t I?
             I still have some time (translation: over ONE HUNDRED episodes) before I have to bid a fond farewell to my beloved “Bones”—the character as well as the show. Until then, I will continue to dream about what it would be like to embody this gorgeous, smart, strong and funny goddess:

BOOTH:   You're a smart ass, you know that?
BONES:   Objectively, I'd say that I'm very smart, although it has nothing to do with my ass.

Yup… if I come back as Bones, I’m definitely bringing Booth with me.

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