I’ve always
felt that whatever age I’m at; it’s never the right one. When I was 25, I
thought I was old. When I was 35, I thought I was… well, old. Now that I’m [gulp] 46, I feel ancient. Or do I? Physically, I
feel great. Socially, I can still keep up with the twentysomethings (even
though some nights, I’d rather just read a good book). Emotionally, I have the
life experience of a “grown-up” with the youthful spirit of someone much younger.
On paper, it seems like a great balance.
So what is this hang-up about age
that has plagued me for most of my life? I feel like I’m continually in a race,
playing catch-up to where I think everyone
else is and where I think I’m
supposed to be. But by doing that. I’m always looking forward (or backward) and
missing out on where I am RIGHT NOW. Why can’t I appreciate that TODAY is the youngest I’ll ever be for the
rest of my life? Am I stuck in my head?
“Get Outta Your Head” – it’s the
slogan that adorns the Matthew Corozine Studio website. During my years
studying acting with Matt, getting out of my head was one of the cornerstones
of Matt’s teachings. “Get out of your way” was another one. Every moment in his
class was about the here and now and
being in the present moment. That’s what acting is. It’s also what getting
“outta your head” means.
But let me tell you—it’s harder and scarier than it sounds. Being present
means really listening to someone (instead of thinking about the laundry you
need to do when you get home from class); it also means responding to someone
in an honest, truthful way (as opposed to lying to them and telling them what
you think they want to hear). Class trains you to trust your instincts and
express yourself accordingly. Easier said than done. Out of the classroom, we
are trained to be uber politically
correct. As a result, our feelings and instincts can get buried so deep that we
need to consult Google Maps to locate them. Or, if you’re one of the lucky
ones, you can end up in Matt’s class and he can give you a map, personally
devised for y-o-u! There will be some interesting twists and turns, however, as
your mind puts up roadblocks and refuses to follow the path laid out for you.
But that’s okay, because it’s all a part of the amazing journey you’ve signed
up for, and ultimately you will be led to where you’re supposed to be (whether
your mind likes it or not). Kind of reminds me of my battle with my age… I’m
getting older whether I like it or not. Why not enjoy the journey and let it
take me to where I’m supposed to be?
In class, where you’re supposed to be is the land where
instincts and feelings roam free. And in this land… anything goes. You might go
from yelling to crying to laughing in a matter of seconds. You say things you
wish you could say in “real life” but can’t. (Remember the politically correct
thing?) Class is a playground, and just like children, we are learning to
explore each other and the world around us. But you can find yourself in
unfamiliar territory at times, and feel like a kid who’s afraid of the dark. I
remember the first time a student told me “I care about you” or “You touched my
heart,” during a repetition exercise. I wanted to vomit. This person didn’t
even know me… how could they care about me? How could I touch their heart? It
wasn’t logical… it made no sense. But as I’ve learned, that was my “head”
talking—the same head that tells me I’m ancient.
Acting is not a replacement for
therapy, but it certainly can be therapeutic. It taught me how to go off of
what I was hearing instead of what
someone was saying. It taught me
about trusting how I feel instead of what I think. The head can lie to us, but
our guts always know the truth. The more you can listen to your gut, the more
you are grounded in what is going on right now. And when it comes down to it,
right now is all there really is, because yesterday is over and no one knows
what tomorrow will bring.
So perhaps class is where I can
find some answers to my age obsession. Could it be time to revisit the Matthew
Corozine Studio? Perhaps there I can reconnect to the present moment and learn
how to appreciate the journey that’s going on right now. After all, right now
is exactly where I need to be. The destination is obviously going to take care
of itself…
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