In
truth, I kind of said it… or at
least my character did in in the play, Farce This! But her human/real life
counterpart feels the complete opposite. Sleep is a precious commodity,
especially when you struggle with getting it on an almost daily basis. However,
that doesn’t mean I don’t sleep at the most inopportune of moments. Anyone that
knows me will tell you about my habit of nodding off... sometimes mid-sentence.
I joke that you’re not truly my good friend until I’ve fallen asleep on you.
The remarkable thing is that I’ll pop back up moments later as if nothing
happened and I’ll recall everything that was said. In fact, it’s happened so
often that my friends have affectionately named my behavior the “smile and
fade”. Yeah, keep smiling buddy. That
sleep is going to be short lived!
So
yes – I CAN fall asleep. I’m the gal reading on the subway who nods off only to
be woken up when the book she’s reading falls to the floor with a loud thud. I’m
that person who passes out during the climactic part of a film. I’ve fallen
asleep more than once in the dentist's chair during a root canal. I’m the party
guest who has asked countless hosts at countless parties to lay down somewhere.
It doesn’t matter how much fun I’m
having or the riveting conversations that are going on around me. My body just
shuts down and I need to catch some zzz’s. And I have the photos from multiple
friends over the years to prove it!
The
problem occurs when it’s actually appropriate to sleep… you know, at bedtime. I
fall asleep almost immediately. I just can’t STAY asleep. I’ll wake up in the middle
of the night and lie in bed, sometimes for hours, waiting for sleep to come
again. And there are times when it doesn’t. I’m a mess the whole next day, mad
at the world and myself for having this issue. Apparently there is a term for what
I have. We humans love to label everything and everyone, after all. It’s called “Sleep Maintenance Insomnia”. I
feel no comfort in knowing its name. Putting it into black and white terms just
makes me feel all the worse about it. It’s like a REAL thing. As I read more about
it, I discover this condition occurs during times of stress. And since I
regularly suffer from SMI, I guess they are trying to tell me I
continually live my life under stress. Wonderful!
Look, I’m not saying I want to sleep
for 10 hours a day. Even 6-7 hours of continuous sleep would be amazing. I’m at
a point in my life where I recognize the value of sleep in order to accomplish
my goals as well to enjoy the time when I am not. And I think the key is to find ways to eliminate stress—I know, a tall order for someone who lives in
NYC, one of the most stressful places on earth, and who is pursuing a career in the
arts. But if I can at least lower my stress during the moments directly
preceding my dreaded bedtime, it might make a difference. So lately, instead
of working up until the moment I go to sleep, I’ve been relaxing by looking at
Facebook (something I hardly do), playing Sudoku or watching television (while not doing work at the same time). They're just ways to help me let go of
the many “To Do's” that are continually dancing around my brain. I’m also considering
whether or not to journal at night, right before I go to bed, as a way of
dumping out all my thoughts onto the page and hoping they STAY THERE. It’s like
an external hard drive for my brain. I can always reinstall those thoughts when
I wake up—and in reality, they will probably reinstall on their own without me
having to do anything!
I’m not sure how any of this will
work, but I’m going to give it a whirl and I’ll let you know how it goes. I’m
just tired—no pun intended—of telling myself that this is just the way I am and
there’s nothing I can do about it. Whoever said “I’ll sleep when I’m dead” is
an idiot. I want to sleep NOW! And clearly said idiot never had a problem
sleeping like I do. And as the time is drawing near to go to bed, the only thing left to say is "Sweet dreams" (fingers crossed)!
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